Five Years

As I look at my surroundings and this life we have worked so hard for, I can't help but think of how uncertain our future was just 5 years ago.



Anywhere from 5-8 years ago, I couldn't hardly look at a newborn without breaking down in tears, wondering if we would ever have one. (And I had to be an actress at work; photographing newborns was so hard.)




Now we have 4 year old twins.



And I photograph births... 24 so far, and counting.








Five years ago, we found out we were pregnant for the first time. With one baby.



We were cautiously optimistic, and excited at the tiny new life that was taking root.




Deep down, I knew this wouldn't be the one. With all the dreams I'd had about twins, and the one that specifically said "November 22," the timing was wrong. We would have to conceive a month or two later in order for that dream to work out. It sounds crazy, but deep down, that's what I believed.




With help from the fertility specialist we'd been seeing, we did everything possible to keep the pregnancy. It was so early when we learned that it wasn't to be, that most women wouldn't have even known it had existed.



It happened only days after the loss of our first nephew, born much, much too soon.




I continued to wear my "BELIEVE" necklace every single day.




That necklace... it gave me hope. I'll never forget that terrible night. We had been discussing adoption vs. seeking a fertility specialist. There were a lot of tears that night, as we both wanted to go different routes. Ray came back to our room in the middle of the night --2am-ish, and said that if it was that important to me, we could start preparing to see a specialist.



And because I couldn't sit idle in our already clean house the next morning, I decided to clean out my closet. I felt sick about everything that was happening, and nervous about the gambles we would be making by seeing a specialist, when adoption was a sure thing --at some point. We hadn't been in Warsaw all that long, and I'm sure I would have noticed a necklace on the closet floor when we moved in. And that's when I found it. "BELIEVE." No idea where it came from or how it got there, and my hands shook as I held it in my hands. I had to believe that everything would work out. Surely, it was a sign.

We found out April 17, 2009

(Belly Photo by Jamie Johnson of Signature Studio, Warsaw, IN -- the bracelet says "Believe")



Believing got me through. And I think it got Ray through, too, seeing the conviction I had that this would work. He talked to Dan nearly every day -- Dan and Neda who had tried for years to have kids with no reason as to why it never worked for them. As much as that made Ray want to adopt, I'm so thankful that he had Dan to talk to, when he felt like he couldn't talk to me. I'm just glad that "Uncle" Dan was around for the first almost-4 years of the girls' lives.




Nothing in my life has had such an impact on me, as this one little beacon of hope... my reminder to have faith and believe.

Yes, it's hard to believe how much our lives have changed in just 5 short years. The 3 years that we tried seemed like an eternity. I could actually tell you date and time the girls were conceived, and what size the two follicles that released the eggs were, AND from which side, even!




But I won't. ;-)






The simple word "believe" has become sort of a defining theme for me. Friends and family have given me gifts, decorations, bracelets, Christmas ornaments, etc. with the word "believe." Such a sweet reminder of a turning point in our lives.




Last year (or the year before??) my mom kept insisting on paying for a tattoo for me. I laughed it off. I didn't want a tattoo. It seemed like everyone had one, which made me want one even less. We talked about it while in Florida, and then she wanted to get me one for my birthday last year. I wanted a lens more. ;-)



Then this past year, while in Florida visiting Ray's family, it came up again. His sister suggested that we all get one for my upcoming 30th birthday. I laughed them off again, but we all knew what I would get, if I ever did get one.



And then in my birthday card, she wrote:  "Tattoos soon!!! = ) "



By then, I knew I wanted it. My 30th birthday, and 5 year anniversary of when we dove in headfirst to the wonderful, terrifying world of IUI (and more). And when nerves caused his sister to back out at the last minute, I knew I wanted this permanent symbol more than ever. It was already a piece of me. I wanted this visual reminder, inspired by our sweet daughters.



Purple and pink are their favorite colors right now (and for the last couple of years), and blue is mine. It reminds me every day of the struggles we went through, and reminds me to appreciate everything that much more.

Ironically enough, though my appointment was set a couple weeks in advance, it ended up being the day after my grandmother passed away... nearly to the hour, which added another layer to its meaning. I believe my Bogo is in a better place, and is happy, healthy, and watching over us. I believe she has come back to visit, as the dreams I've had of her have brought me comfort.

I believe everything happens for a reason.

We Laughed Until We Cried: A Much Needed Crazy Day

2/21/14
This day... Lol. It was much needed, honestly. I didn't *always* appreciate the craziness in the moments as they were happening. But looking back, and talking about our day... laughter to the point of tears! I'm glad I was able to share that with my parents tonight; we all needed that after the last 2 weeks. (With the loss of Bogo.)

So I called mom at the end of the day just because I needed to talk to an adult after our trip to the grocery store.

It had already been a crazy day (more on that later), and we were all tired. I opted to go to the E.Wash WalMart, only because Sam's Club is next door, and they have the double carts that both girls could ride in at the same time.

1. I hate WalMart. 2. I hate having to take potty breaks. I need to get in and get OUT.

At least it happened early. We were barely in, and Aubrey tells me she was about to pee her panties. Ok. So I continued to the back of the store.

The girls are probably too big for the double carts, did I mention that? I struggled to get them both up and out. Their boots got stuck and fell off. We had to put them back on.

Rayleigh was too focused on a children's book display, and Aubrey started jumping up and down.

THEN I noticed there was a cart blocking the entrance to the bathroom. It was closed. Like that was gonna stop me. Actually, I started to go into the men's, but there were obviously people in there.

So I pushed the cart out of the way.

The man inside cleaning told me the restroom was closed.

"She's gotta pee." Or something. Not sure what I said, but he told me I could take her to the one up front, and looked at me crazy when we kept coming right at him.

"No. That's like a mile away when you're talking about a 4 year old. She's using this one." And she did.

Alright cool. Back in the cart. The girls were slap-happy or something, and acting totally goofy. Their little "friends" (Baby Doll and a Chihuahua) were bouncing all over the place, and had uncontrollable gas:  "Fart-fart-fart-fart [loud rude fart noise!!]"

Over and over and over.

After a couple minutes of that, then asking them to stop, I finally had to lean into their faces and say, "If your friends can't stop farting, I'm going to have to take them away."

Yeah, try saying that with a straight face!

I did end up taking their friends away, but they didn't care. They started making faces at each other. Sticking their tongues out and stuff. Next thing I knew, they were rubbing their tongues together. Ugh! I gave them back their darting friends!

And THAT'S why I needed to talk to an adult!

 BUT I couldn't BELIEVE I forgot to tell her about the first part of my day-- which was even better! Lol.

So after lunch and a couple errands, the girls ended up with suckers after leaving the bank. THEY wanted to go to the mall, so I was happy to take them. ;)  I had a couple of birthday gift cards to use, so I was all for it. And they could release energy at the play place. Win-win.

Rayleigh inhales her suckers. Aubrey takes her time. So she was still eating hers when we got to greenwood. Aubrey was standing by the tire when I got Rayleigh out of the car. She started throwing a fit about her suddenly missing sucker. Inconsolable. It wasn't on me or Rayleigh, or on the car or the ground.

Seriously, it wasn't anywhere. It was windy, so I told her it blew away and that I would get her another one.

She cried all the way inside. I could not console her. I could not for the life of me figure out what must have happened to her stupid sucker.

Everyone seemed to be staring at us as we walked in. Aubrey was a mess.

But suddenly she stopped crying. "Wayleigh!" She let go of my hand and ran to my other side where Rayleigh was. I saw the flash of white for just a second. Aubrey threw up Rayleigh's skirt, and pulled her sucker from underneath it!

Omg... I was completely dumbfounded. We couldn't stop laughing. All I could think about was rinsing it off or something. But Aubrey smiled at me and stuck it in her mouth. And it was ok.

As we were coming out of the dressing rooms at Old Navy later, Aubrey kept digging in her nose. Standing in front of the mirror, watching her finger completely disappear inside her nose. I cannot imagine what the guy working the dressing rooms must have thought.

Thank God he didn't see what happened next!

Just outside the dressing room, I could SEE the edge of this booger in her nose. Yeah, I used my hand to try to wipe it off. It didn't work.

Then she sneezed. It flew threw the air and landed at our feet. Like, there was no missing this big white booger on the floor. I was kneeling on the floor trying to find something in my bag to clean it up with, and actually told someone that they might want to go around. I'm giggling just remembering how ridiculous it was. And of course the girls were cracking up.

I tore off the corner of a receipt I found, and cleaned up the booger mess -- only to discover the texture... was papery. So I examined it. And yeah, it was paper. She stuck paper up her nose.

I have no idea why I thought a trip to the grocery store would be a good idea after all that! ;)

The Twinnies Talk "Religion"

(Copy/Paste from my phone. As soon as I parked,  I quickly typed out the details to our conversation. Slight editing done to help clear things up. ;-) 





While driving by the Hindu temple, Aubrey said we've never been there, and I said we probably never would. We talked about how there are different religions that believe in different gods. Talked about how God made the world and us, and we can talk to him, and he can heal us and make us and others better if we believe in him.





Aubrey:  "I believe in God." Then:  He made me feel better when I felt sick. And Rayleigh. He touched me with his hand but I didn't see him because he was like a ghost.






Rayleigh: I saw him and was wearing a super hero cape! He is in heaven in the sky with the stars. I want to draw my own constellations.






Aubrey: there's a girl god. He has a sister. She died and went to heaven.




We also talked about Uncle Dan being in heaven with god and the angels, and Aubrey asked if god has an office chair that he sits in.






"Heaven is very far away. Your car couldn't get there because it would run out of a lot of gas."


























Pretty insightful for 2 little girls who have never been to church.

Goodbye 2013 (Photo highlights)

Wow. 2014 appeared out of no where. This last year was such a whirlwind, between moving out of our old house and into my parents' for two months, finally moving into our new house, unpacking, painting, and settling in (though we still have boxes everywhere), me photographing 11 births (including your cousin Tegan's), and Ray travelling overnight 1/3 of every month.

You were the flower girls when Uncle Marshall & Aunt Megan got married. Then there were the seemingly endless trips to the Children's Museum, zoo, playgrounds, and even the occasional splash park and pool. We squeezed in a trip to Florida to see Aunt Ra-Ra & Uncle Vince, and lost your beloved play set during a terrible storm on Halloween night. Then came your birthday (and a trip to the circus), then Christmas sneaked up and past. 

There was also the loss of Uncle Dan in September. And Zoe-Bear before that.

Whew.

What a year.

Despite some hard hits and losses, it really was a great year. You both seemed to grow so much this year. Not just in height-- almost 3 inches just since July; 4 since your last birthday-- but you've become so much wiser. Some of the things that you say astound me and make me stop in my tracks. You are some pretty amazing and special girls.  

Thought it would be fun to do a quick little blog of my favorite twinnie pictures from 2013, since I've done this every year for you. So in no particular order:

(Family photos taken by one of my absolute best friends in the whole wide world -- Jamie J. /Signature Studio/ Warsaw, IN)

Oops, I thought I posted one where Aubrey's face is in better focus and you can clearly see she's cracking up.
Oh well.

(And darn it, I'm adding a candid of myself, even if it was an hour or so into the new year! As you can see, someone "messed up" and actually took a 0:00 second video instead of a photo. lol.)